


Commander Cock: Galaxy's Bravest

by theprosefool



Series: Prompts [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Consent is Sexy, Humor, I had too much fun, M/M, ME3, Porn, Pre-Relationship, Smut, kaidan has a dirty mouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 02:20:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprosefool/pseuds/theprosefool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan has really bad timing, and it only gets worse when a malfunctioning AI traps them together in a terribly awkward situation.</p><p>Prompt fic gone wild</p>
            </blockquote>





	Commander Cock: Galaxy's Bravest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pizzaguy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pizzaguy/gifts).



> Based off a prompt from [Voluspizzaguy](http://voluspizzaguy.tumblr.com/): "PORN MOVIES EXISTING IN-UNIVERSE WITH ACTORS PLAYING KAIDAN AND/OR SHEPARD, AND KAIDAN AND/OR SHEPARD DISCOVERING THESE MOVIES"
> 
> But I went a little crazy.
> 
> Sorry about the title, [Elevatordancer](http://elevatordancing.tumblr.com) made me do it. The "Commander Cock" part anyway, the rest is my fault.
> 
> Thank you to the aforementioned darlings for editing, betaing and encouragement!

“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite cock on the Citadel.”

Kaidan froze just inside the door, instantly regretting his decision to enter without buzzing.  Shepard had always kept an open-door policy on the SR-1 - though he’d never been bold enough to take advantage of it, a pinch too shy and a lot too clumsy - but things were different on the new Normandy.  He just didn’t think _this_ would be.

Shepard hadn’t noticed him yet, out of line of sight of the door, further back in the large room if Kaidan had to guess by the noises.  He considered stepping further in, making  his presence known, and before he could finish kicking himself for the awful idea the door slid shut behind him and EDI announced his arrival.

He was _not_ impressed with this AI so far.

He stepped forward, because the lock had engaged and he was trapped in this nightmare.  There was scrambling behind the wall of miniature battleships, an occasional wanton moan that _could not_ be real in the circumstances....  Was Shepard watching porn?

“Are you... uh, decent?” he asked, shuffling awkwardly beside the massive fish tank, where one single fish floated amongst the coral.

“Yeah!  Yeah, I’m - ” the awful noises stopped and Shepard appeared from around the corner, smiling apologetically as he closed down his omni-tool.  “Sorry about that.  It’s not as bad as it seems, I just - ”

“No need to explain, Commander.  It’s none of my business.  I would’ve left you to it, but I think your AI’s malfunctioning.”  He gestured toward the locked door, keeping his eyes firmly on Shepard’s face so they wouldn’t stray down to the obvious bulge in Shepard’s jeans.

“Oh.  Sorry.”  Another smile in apology and Shepard moved past him to the door.  “EDI, open the door.”  No reply, the light remained red.  “EDI, respond.”  Silence.  He turned back with a sigh and moved to his private terminal.  “I’ll have Joker run diagnostics.  Hopefully it won’t take too long.”

Kaidan considered making a joke to lighten the mood, but he couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t entirely inappropriate,  so he just stared at the fish as it darted around its home.  It was a few minutes before Shepard pushed back from his desk.  “Diagnostics should take half an hour.  Guess we’re stuck in here until then.”

Great.  Stuck in one of the most awkward moments of his life.  “Is there an access hatch on this level?” he asked, surprised by how even his voice was.

Shepard gave a little laugh - Kaidan hadn’t heard that in a long while, didn’t realize how much he needed to hear it - and gestured at the door.

Maybe he could hack the lock....  But that would probably come off as desperate.

Yep, they were stuck.

“Make yourself at home,” Shepard said as he stood, waving a battle-worn hand toward the other side of the room, and Kaidan took the small steps down to find a large, probably expensive leather couch behind the partition.  Comfy, too.  Definitely not an Alliance-made ship.

“Can I get you anything?  I have water and whiskey.  And protein bars, if you’re hungry.”

“Whiskey,” he said, a little too quickly.

He heard Shepard’s rusty chuckle from behind him, the clink of glass on glass, and a moment later Shepard was settling on the other end of the couch and handing him a tumbler of amber liquid.  “Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

“Huh?  Oh.”  He’d almost completely forgotten why he’d come here, after that horrible ordeal.  “I just wanted to chat.  See how you were.  Get a few things off my chest.”

The corner of Shepard’s mouth twitched, but his expression remained the same, that eager openness and easy empathy that had the whole galaxy flocking to him, laced with a weariness that had crept into all of them since the war started.  “Yeah, we should probably clear the air.  What’s on your mind, exactly?”

There was a lot, really.  They’d worked through some of it on Mars, and in the hospital, but there was still so much Kaidan was unsure of, so much left hanging between them.

But there was only one thing he could think of at the moment.

“What was that you were watching?”  The question came out before he could stop it.  Shepard’s eyes went wide, and Kaidan cursed his curiosity.  “None of my business, I know.  But... ‘favorite cock on the Citadel’?  That’s an awful line.”

Shepard’s wry smile eased his embarrassment, but only a bit.  “You’re telling me.  I’m better at pillow talk than they give me credit for.”  He took a long pull of his whiskey while Kaidan was left stunned for a moment, imagining just what Shepard’s pillow talk would sound like.  “It was a vid made a while back, while I was in a coma.  Supposedly based off our efforts against Saren.  It came to Liara’s attention, and she thought I’d want to know.”

“Oh.”  Oh, god.  Did that mean they had someone playing _him_?

“It’s got the whole crew in it.  Even Ashley.”  Another swig and his glass was empty.  “But there’s not much point being angry about it anymore.  Hopefully someone got some enjoyment out of it.”

“I’d like to see it.”  Shepard arched an eyebrow.  “The parts with me, I mean.  I’ve got to know how bad it is.”

“Of course.”  He nodded, all business, but there was a glint in his eyes as he opened his omni-tool and tapped a few buttons.  “Sending you the file.”

“Thanks.”  He chuckled.  “Or whatever you’re supposed to say to that.”

“Beats me.  I try not to make a habit of exchanging erotic vids with crew members.”

“Guess I’m special, then.”

It was nearly imperceptible but Kaidan was observant; Shepard’s eyes flicked down his body before refocusing on his face.  He leaned forward, mouth open as if to speak, but seemed to change his mind.  “Was there something else you wanted to discuss, Kaidan?”

His name from that mouth sent a pleasant shiver through him as usual, but this was too awkward already.  He couldn’t start the conversation he had planned after all that.  It would have to wait.  Maybe the next time they were on the Citadel....  “I just wanted to catch up.  You never told me what the Collector base was like.”

“You haven’t read the reports?”

“I have, but those are reports.  What was it really like?”

He realized how it sounded, like he was saying Shepard hadn’t been honest, but Shepard caught on to his meaning like he always did.  Reports were about facts, the who, what, why, and how, but that wasn’t what Kaidan was asking for.  He wanted to know how it _felt_ , tripping through a relay not knowing if you’d see the other side, taking down a human reaper _on foot_ , even if it was only half built - and Shepard was eager to oblige him.  He avoided the horrors, for the most part - those had been covered extensively in the report, and Kaidan wasn’t sure he could stomach them again anyway - and focused instead on the crew, their skill, their devotion, their teamwork.  The way Shepard talked about them, they sounded like gods, like legends; like they were the real heroes _instead_ of Shepard, rather than alongside him.

Shepard paused to check the time, and to his surprise as well as Kaidan’s, nearly an hour had passed.  The door was still locked.  The conversation was abandoned, to Kaidan’s disappointment, so that Shepard could check his terminal.

“Oh, come on,” he grumbled a couple minutes later.  “We’ve got a war to fight here, EDI.  We don’t have time for this.”

Kaidan moved from his spot on the couch to stand behind him, peeking at the screen over his shoulder.  “No luck?”

Shepard shook his head.  “Diagnostics didn’t turn anything up and EDI claims to be unaware of any problems in her systems.  Joker’s got us en route to Gellix, but that won’t do us much good if we’re stuck in here.”

Hacking the lock didn’t seem like such a bad idea after all.  But Kaidan wasn’t sure he even could; Alliance locks were clever, and he’d been so focused on his biotics lately....  Besides, he wasn’t in a hurry to get out of there, like he had been earlier.  It wasn’t often they got time to chat, even back on the SR-1, and if Joker had them headed to their destination, it would be a few hours before the situation turned serious.

"At least I'm in good company," Shepard said, turning his weary, honest eyes on Kaidan. "No one I'd rather be stuck with."

Kaidan doubted it, but the thought was appreciated.

They played cards. A couple hands of poker - Kaidan won - and a few of Skyllian Five - Kaidan hadn't played before but after the third round he was winning again. Had a couple more drinks, went through Shepard's stock of protein bars.  At some point the heat malfunctioned, and Kaidan found himself in his undershirt, sitting across from an entirely shirtless Shepard, trying not to stare at his lean, muscled frame.

It was a few hours past before Shepard checked his terminal again. They were three hours from the complex Traynor had tracked the ex-Cerberus scientists to, the problem had been found and they were working on a fix.  Joker didn’t have a time estimate.

Shepard excused himself to the bathroom for a shower to cool down.  The instant the door was shut behind him, Kaidan was on his omni-tool, looking for the vid.  It hadn’t arrived in his inbox.  Was the damn AI messing with communications now, too?

Shepard’s terminal.  He could open it, just for a minute or two, just to steal a peek and sate his curiosity.  He’d be breaking half a dozen regs, but three glasses in he was caring less and less about rules.

He could hear the shower running when he took his seat at Shepard’s desk.  Good.  He would have plenty of warning before Shepard emerged.  Carefully setting the volume too low, he scrolled through the commander’s inbox, doing his best not to read anything as he searched for Liara’s message.  It was buried under an astounding number of new messages - all people asking for help, no doubt.

The vid must have started where Shepard left off because it was halfway through and… wow.  Commander Shepard - the likeness was striking - was completely naked, bent over a counter at a Citadel kiosk, three sharp talons on his neck pinning him down as the turian shopkeeper they belonged to rammed into him and customers came and went, some of them stopping to caress the human’s gorgeous, toned body.  Almost-Shepard was moaning with every thrust, skin flushed with arousal and slick with sweat.  One hand clawed uselessly at the countertop as the other drifted down between his legs, and the camera adjusted to give Kaidan a better view.  The pink, curved shaft plunging into the commander’s body, a large hand working over the reddened, dripping erection….  Kaidan was hard in seconds, the trousers of his BDUs painfully tight.

This was a bad idea.

And it just got worse when the turian grabbed almost-Shepard’s arm, dragged his hand away from his dick to lock it behind his back as his thrusts sped, a perfect rhythm and an angle that had the human’s toes curling, and his moans became more desperate with each push in until they broke on a shout and he came across the countertop.  The shopkeeper rode almost-Shepard through his orgasm, then pulled out and forced him to his knees.

 _Fuck_.  Kaidan had had fantasies for years now, about Shepard, naked, open, moaning, begging, but none of them were as hot as this, seeing Shepard’s likeness bare and filled and fucked.  It had Kaidan straining in his fatigues, nails digging into his palms until they broke skin to keep from touching himself.

When the turian was finished he dragged almost-Shepard to his feet, used his long tongue to lick the human’s face clean, and handed him his clothes.  “You’ve earned your discount, human,” he growled in that dual-toned turian voice that often left Kaidan weak in the knees.  “For this visit.”

“There’s a reason this is my favorite shop on the Citadel.”

Kaidan couldn’t help himself; one hand dropped from the terminal controls to his thigh and slid upward until he was palming himself through his pants, biting down on his lip to hold back the whimper that tried to escape as pleasure rolled through him at the light contact.  Yeah, this was _definitely_ a bad idea.  Maybe Shepard wouldn’t mind him using the shower when he was out….  It wouldn’t take him long to finish at this rate, and you learned to keep quiet living on a ship; Shepard would never know.  He allowed himself a few more strokes through the layers of fabric at the thought of bringing himself off in his CO’s bathroom before he forced his hand away.

Another scene started - a tanned, dark-haired man lying shirtless on his back in the crew quarters of a ship - him on the Normandy, he assumed, though there were few resemblances to either him or the SR-1.  He was grumbling to himself, glaring up at the bunk above him as if it had personally done him a great injustice.  The door opened, and he didn’t turn his head to see who entered until they were standing over his bed.

“Headache, Alenko?” the commanderasked in that voice that was just a hair smoother than the real Shepard’s.

The fake Kaidan jumped to his feet, skipping the salute to stand at attention, his hands balled into fists at his sides.  “No, sir.”

“Something on your mind, Lieutenant?”

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“Permission granted.”

Kaidan couldn’t hear the shower anymore, hadn’t thought about it in - he didn’t want to know how long.  He hit the mute button and turned toward the bathroom, listening for any sound that would give away Shepard’s position, even the smallest shuffling -

Shepard was standing in the doorway, in nothing but a towel, smirking.

“Oh, Shepard, I - ”

“Guess that makes us even,” he rumbled, and Kaidan couldn’t help but trail his eyes down Shepard’s body to the slightly tented towel around his hips.

“I don’t think it does, sir.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow, and after a moment of that smirk he leant against the doorframe and nodded to the terminal.  “Unmute it.”

 _What_?  Did he just…?  Kaidan couldn’t believe it.  Shepard was hard and getting harder, and any excitement Kaidan might’ve lost at being caught was returning threefold at the sight of Shepard’s almost-naked body.  But when he turned back to the console he was met with an even greater sight that had his cock throbbing and his breath hitching.

Almost-Shepard had the fake Kaidan flat on his back on the crew’s table, legs spread open so the commander could thrust against his ass in a lewd pantomime of what was to come.  Kaidan couldn’t help the moan that escaped him as he scrabbled for the volume, and the moans that echoed when he found it did little to calm his quickening pulse.  His hips bucked up off the chair unconsciously when almost-Shepard growled his name and there was a resounding growl from behind him at the motion.  Oh, god, Shepard was getting off on this.  On _him_.

Almost-Shepard slid down fake Kaidan’s body, pausing to mouth at one nipple and then the other, to dip his tongue in his belly button and nip at the sensitive skin below.  Large hands drifted down his sides to the hem of his pants and worked with a talented mouth to undo his belt and get his pants open, and when fake Kaidan’s hard cock sprang loose almost-Shepard swallowed it down to the root.

Kaidan was dimly aware of movement behind him but it was still a complete surprise when hot breath filled his ear.  He let out a whimper, fingers clutching desperately at the chair’s arms to keep himself still.

“Is that what you want, Kaidan?” Shepard purred, so close Kaidan could feel his heat but never his skin.  “Do you want me to touch you?  Do you want me to put my mouth on you?”

“Oh god, yes.”

As soon as the words were out, Shepard’s lips found his skin, a light kiss just below his ear, then another, and another.  The next one was open-mouthed, tongue flicking out to taste over-sensitive flesh as a hand came up to card through his hair.  Shepard’s hand came away with the crackle of static electricity and when it touched Kaidan’s cheek there was a spark, not strong enough to hurt but enough to have them both gasping.

Shepard’s mouth found his and it was just how Kaidan had imagined it, forceful and desperate but soft, too, yielding when Kaidan’s tongue darted forward to trace one supple lip, opened for him eagerly, sucked his tongue inside.  The hand on his cheek trailed boldly down his body to grip him through his pants, and when Kaidan threw his head back in a moan Shepard’s mouth dropped back down, teeth grazing lightly over the tendons in his throat.

“Shepard….”

“Yeah, Kaidan?” Shepard breathed against him as his hand worked Kaidan’s trapped length.  “What is it that you want?”

Kaidan wanted a lot of things; wanted everything right then and there.  A world of possibilities and they only had three hours - or as long as this madness lasted, as long as it would take for them to come to their senses.  Kaidan _never_ did this.  Casual sex, especially with a colleague, _his CO_ ….

But it was anything but casual when Shepard sighed his name in his ear, rolling so easily off his tongue that Kaidan thought for a moment he belonged between Shepard’s lips.  When he turned his head they were waiting for him and the second kiss was even better, heat and teeth and pressure, and Kaidan knew the madness was far from passed.  The hand squeezed him as the tongue slipped in and Kaidan knew exactly what he wanted.  He reached out blindly, tugging at the towel until the loose fabric fell away and he was free to put skin against skin.  The commander’s length felt good in his hand, familiar and entirely new at once, thick and warm and rich with blood and just asking for a taste. Kaidan leaned forward and did just that, swiping at the head experimentally with his tongue before taking it into his mouth.

“Oh, shit….  Kaidan….”

He wasn’t sure which Shepard it was moaning his name, but either way it steeled his nerves, giving him the confidence he needed to go further, take Shepard deeper.  One hand engulfed what his mouth couldn’t, which was quite a bit - Shepard was big, and Kaidan wasn’t as practiced as he would have liked to be, especially after watching _that_.  

Shepard didn’t seem to mind.  He straightened to give Kaidan better access, leaving Kaidan’s member unattended, but Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to care.  He was too close to the edge already, and he wanted to make this last.  Shepard’s fingers worked their way into his hair and stayed there, giving gentle tugs of encouragement, curling in against his scalp when Kaidan found his sensitive spots, and that felt almost as good as Shepard’s hand on his dick had.

Shepard was close. Kaidan could tell by the tensing in his muscles, the hitch in his breath; he sucked a little harder, but Shepard stepped back, using his hands in Kaidan’s hair to tug him up to his feet.  They kissed again, Shepard’s bare erection brushing against Kaidan’s hip as he crowded him against the desk until he was forced to sit.  Then Shepard slid down his body, much like the Shepard in the vid had, blue eyes twinkling mischief and delightwhile his hands worked on freeing the sentinel’s length.

Shepard.  On his knees.  In front of Kaidan.  He probably could’ve come from that sight alone, but Shepard didn’t give him the chance, tugging Kaidan’s trousers down until they were tangled around his ankles and his hard prick finally bobbed free.  Shepard took a moment to look it over, fingers curling around his hips to massage his thumbs into tender muscles, before smiling up at him.  “Favorite cock on the Normandy,” he rumbled, pressing a kiss to a bared thigh.  “And that’s saying something.  I’m pretty attached to mine.”

Kaidan groaned, and tried to pretend it wasn’t the calloused hands smoothing over his thighs.  “Really, Shepard?  I think the vid’s got better lines than you.”

Shepard chuckled against his hip.  “I thought it was clever.”

It was… cute - if not vulgar and cliche - which wasn’t something Kaidan had ever thought the commander capable of.  Cute.  Shepard, cute.  But he didn’t have time to say as much before Shepard turned his head, soft lips brushing the base of Kaidan’s shaft and wet tongue flicking out to join them.  Kaidan huffed, hips shifting forward as his head fell back, and this time when Shepard chuckled the vibrations had him moaning.

“You’re eager, aren’t you, Alenko?”  He nosed into Kaidan’s curls to lay a kiss at the base of his cock.  “You want my mouth, hm?  Want me to suck you?”

He could still hear the sounds behind him, the sloppy wet suction and harsh breathing.  “Yes, please, Shepard, God, please….”

Was that him, or the Kaidan on screen?  Either way it didn’t matter, because Shepard slid his lips up Kaidan’s length, engulfing the tip when he reached it, sinking down until his nose was buried in Kaidan’s curls and Kaidan could feel his throat muscles working around him, and it was only for a moment before Shepard pulled back but a scream escaped Kaidan anyway, hips bucking forward to find empty air.  Then the mouth was back, soft kisses along his shaft, and when he dropped his head forward to watch, Shepard was staring back up at him, a smirk in his eyes while his mouth kept busy.  He licked up the underside, pausing to apply pressure to the sensitive strip of skin below the tip, before taking it into his mouth again, slowly this time, working the head with lips and tongue as a rough hand pumped the shaft and _Christ_ he was still looking up at Kaidan while he did all this and Kaidan’s whole body trembled and -

“Wait!  Stop!”

Shepard pulled back, hands falling away from Kaidan’s skin, and Kaidan sagged forward in tension and relief.  “Sorry, sorry, I just, I’m close, and I don’t want, not yet….”

The mouth was back on the curve of his hip, hands caressing his calves and up the backs of his thighs.  “You have something else in mind?”

“Yeah, I’ve got an idea or two.”

No point in being shy now.  With Shepard’s help he shed his clothing, and then Shepard sat back on his haunches and watched as Kaidan arranged himself, rolling the chair into its place at the terminal and bending over it to put himself on display.  One arm braced on the desk, he looked back over his shoulder at the man on his knees.

“You want to…?”

“Yeah.  Do you have any - ?”

“Yeah.  Just let me….”

An open-mouth kiss to one cheek and Shepard was scurrying off out of his line of sight.  When he faced forward, their doubles were still there, their bodies locked together, almost-Shepard thrusting in while fake Kaidan pulled him nearer, deeper, and Kaidan found himself wondering which he would like better, the feel of Shepard moving inside of him or the view of it….

Shepard was back, positioning himself behind the sentinel, one hand wandering over his back while slick digits grazed his cleft.  They were both so far gone already that Shepard wasted no time in preparing him, one finger sliding and twisting and curling inside him, hitting that spot that made his blood throb offbeat.  When he relaxed there was another finger, thicker than the first but slower to start, and another when he was ready for it, and by the time Shepard pulled his hand away Kaidan was on the edge again, body rocking backwards to find nothing.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Shepard, _come on_ ….”

He was pretty sure that one wasn’t him, but Shepard chuckled, leaning forward to lay a kiss on Kaidan’s shoulder blade as he aligned himself with the major’s body.  “Impatient, aren’t you?  You must really want it.”  All Kaidan could do was nod when he felt Shepard’s shaft sliding between his cheeks, slick and heavy and hot.  “Tell me, Kaidan, how long?  How long have you wanted this?”

Kaidan groaned, dropping forward onto his elbows, which only brought him closer to the sight of Shepard’s doppelganger grinding into his.  “I don’t - shit, Shepard, I need….  Since Noveria, okay?"

The body stilled against him, and for a moment Kaidan wondered if it was the wrong thing to say.  But the hand on his back started moving again, working tender circles into muscles straining for release.  “And what is it, exactly, that you want?”

“Dammit, Shepard - I want you to fuck me!”

An arm wrapped around one shoulder and down across his chest, pulling him back until they were pressed together from torso to thigh and Kaidan could feel Shepard’s hard length throbbing between them.  “That’s a dirty mouth you’ve got, Alenko,” Shepard breathed hot in his ear.  “I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Before Kaidan could say just what he wanted to have _in_ him, Shepard was, the arm around Kaidan’s chest dragging him back until the tip pressed in and they were both breathless with the weight of it.  He sank in slowly, stopping halfway to ease out nearly all the way and push back in, until Kaidan’s muscles slackened and Shepard slid in until his thighs were pressed to the backs of Kaidan’s and the major arched his spine away from the commander’s chest to get that perfect angle….

“ _Shepard_!”

“I got you, Kaid.  Just relax.”

As their doubles grunted and grinded, Shepard started moving again, setting a slow pace.  He rocked his hips against the sentinel’s with measured movements, allowing Kaidan time to adjust to the stretch.  It had been so long since he’d let anyone inside, but he was ready for this, the tension in his muscles uncoiling with every careful motion until he was straining with a new kind of tension, bucking back as best he could, hands stretching behind him to claw at Shepard’s thighs, his back, his ribs, anything he could reach.

“Shepard….  I need….”

“Yeah….”

Shepard released his hold, hand sliding down to grip Kaidan’s hip instead, and Kaidan toppled forward against the desk.  He was right back in it, nose inches from the image of their bodies intertwined as Shepard’s pace increased inside him, the new angle sending shocks through Kaidan’s body.  Almost-Shepard had a fist around fake Kaidan’s hard shaft, pumping in time with his hard thrusts into the lieutenant’s pliant form, teeth latching onto flushed skin to leave a dark red mark behind.

Supporting himself on one arm, Kaidan snaked a hand down between his body and the chair back, hissing his relief when his fingers closed around his throbbing member.  He was close again, edging on a kind of pleasure he’d never known existed.  So close, just a little more, a little harder, a little deeper….

Shepard stilled.

“Wh - no, Shepard, why….”

He leaned forward, plastering himself against Kaidan’s back, arms wrapping around the sentinel’s chest, and even that movement had Kaidan gasping and trying to rock back for more.  But Shepard held him firm as he mouthed the lines in his shoulder up to his neck.

“Mute it.”

“Huh?”

Shepard reached past him, fumbled blindly with the controls until it went silent and all that was left was the sound of their breathing.  His hand dropped down to replace Kaidan’s on his shaft and his hips started rolling again, slow to start but picking up speed.  “I want to hear you,” he panted in Kaidan’s ear.

“Oh, Christ….”

Shepard’s laugh was breathless and ragged against his neck and Kaidan trembled beneath him, muscles jumping with every thrust, every touch.  He bit his lip, holding his cries of ecstasy in on instinct before thinking better of it, letting them spill into the open air as the pressure built and built and built until his whimpers and moans became shouts and pleas for more, harder, faster, until it was too much and Shepard’s name escaped him once more as the pleasure coursed through him from the base of his spine to every thrumming part of him.  He collapsed forward, resting his forehead against the cool desk as Shepard rocked them both through their orgasms, each little growl in Kaidan’s ear only adding to the intensity of it all.  Kaidan reached back, stroking Shepard’s thigh as his hips slowed to a stop.

“God….  Kaidan….  That was….”

“Yeah.”

They stayed like that for a moment, Shepard’s arms wrapped around Kaidan while Kaidan was wrapped around him, standing on shaky legs until they finally gave out and they slid to the ground together.  Shepard slipped out with a groan from them both, leaving Kaidan empty and hyper-sensitive, but he kept his arms around him as he laid little kisses to Kaidan’s neck.  Kaidan hummed, leaning his head back on Shepard’s shoulder in a moment of pure bliss.

But it didn’t take him long to come down, to realize what they had just done--and that Shepard was still holding onto him with no signs of letting go.  He chuckled, turned his head to get a good look at his commander.  All the weariness had left his features, replaced by a sated, goofy smile.

“Guess we should probably talk, huh?”

“Hmmm….  Yeah, we probably should.”  Shepard paused to scrape his teeth over an earlobe.  “Unless you had another idea?”

Kaidan grinned as he turned in Shepard’s arms.  “Well, we’ve still got two hours….”

***

“Arrival in one hour,” Joker announced to the small crowd that had gathered in the cockpit.  “What’s their status, EDI?”

His copilot looked over at him from the seat she seemed to have claimed as her own.  “I have unlocked the doors, Jeff.”

“Do you really think they’re ready to come out?  We still have an hour,” Liara pointed out from somewhere near the back of the crowd.

“They are not ready to come out, but they no longer require my assistance to stay in.”

“Good.  They must really be getting into it.  They have so much to talk about - ”

“They are not currently talking.”

There was a moment of silence as that bit sank in - interrupted by a whoop of joy from James.  “Yeah!  That’s what I’m talking about!  Pay up, Scars.”

Garrus grumbled as he passed the young marine a credit chit.  “I’ve known them three years, and they choose now to finally go for it….”

“You were betting?”  Liara scowled at them.  “Shepard wouldn’t be pleased….”

“Alright, guys, clear the deck,” Joker called as his hands worked masterfully over the Normandy’s controls.  “I’ve got work to do here.  Go gab in the mess hall if you’re so interested in Shepard’s love life.”

The crew filed out, and Joker could hear their voices retreating down the corridor until they disappeared into the CIC, leaving him alone with his copilot.  He glanced over at EDI, who was frowning at seemingly nothing.

“What is it?  Don’t tell me you have questions about….”

“No, I have no questions about the commander and the major’s behavior.  I only have concerns.  They depleted their food reserves hours ago, and their activity seems quite rigorous.  Major Alenko is ignoring his caloric intake.”

Joker groaned, shaking his head in a futile attempt to rid himself of the mental image of those ‘rigorous activities.’  “EDI, I can’t know these things!  Come on, I work with the guys!  They’re my superior officers!”

“They are both very attractive by human standards,” EDI continued, only the slightest hint of playfulness in her soothing mechanical voice.  “And they seem quite pleased with each other, if the amount of physical contact is any indication.”

“Alright, alright, you’ve had your fun,” he grumbled, turning back to his controls.  “Just let me know when they come up for air, okay?”

“It may be some time.  Shepard seems to be quite practiced at his breathing techniques.”

“EDI!”

“As I recall, it was your suggestion to lock them in.”

“And you’re making me regret it.”

And yet, hours later, when he’d finally scrubbed the images of his CO and his XO getting intimate out of his mind, Joker found himself smiling.  He’d done a good thing.  It was about time those idiots figured it out.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone's wondering, fake Kaidan is angry at almost-Shepard because he was benched so almost-Shepard could take not Ashley and Liara-ish on a mission, where they had a foursome with a krogan warlord.
> 
> *is shameless*


End file.
